Airport Etiquette (Or Why I’m Considering a Career at the DOT)

Travel is stressful enough without dealing with complete and utter…people who apparently forgot how to act in public the second they stepped into an airport.

After comparing notes with other wise road warriors, I’ve come to a conclusion: we need to bring back some basic f*cking courtesy. Since this isn’t obvious to everyone, here’s a refresher course:

The airport is basically a highway. You wouldn’t stop your car in the middle of I-96, so why the hell are you stopping dead center in the terminal to check your Instagram? Slow walkers, move to the right. It’s not rocket science, people.

Let’s talk about phone etiquette. Nobody – and I mean NOBODY – needs to hear your Q4 projections while we’re all trying to enjoy our overpriced airport salads. You’re not that important. I don’t care if you’re the CEO of Whatever Corp., use your inside voice or better yet, save it for later.

Speaking of things that make me want to apply for Pete’s job at the DOT, here’s what’s driving successful businesswomen up the wall:

• • Using speakerphone in public spaces (WHY?)

• • Bringing tuna sandwiches on planes (are you actually Satan?)

• • Standing up the second the plane lands (sit your ass down, we’re all getting off eventually)

• • Not being ready at security (your belt isn’t a surprise requirement, Brad)

• • Putting your backpack in the overhead bin, taking the entire bin for your stuff. Seriously dude? We fly on the world’s tiniest planes back into GR – put it under your seat. The flight attendants only tell you 50 times in the announcements.

• • Gate lice. You’re so bad; they gave you a name. You are not getting on the flight any quicker by lining up and blocking the entire airport walkway. I now elbow and hit you with my bag when I fight my way through. You suck.

And for those who “absolutely have to travel” while sick – wear a mask. This isn’t 2019, and we’ve all learned some hard lessons about sharing germs in enclosed spaces.

Here’s the thing: We’re all tired. We’re all busy. We’re all important to someone. But that doesn’t give any of us the right to act like we’re the main character in everyone else’s story.

To all my fellow travelers out there keeping it classy – I see you. To everyone else – do better. It’s not that hard to be a decent human being, even at 5 AM in Terminal C.

And yes, I’m applying to work with Pete in the DOT. Someone needs to fix this mess, and apparently it’s going to have to be women.

Love, Kim

P.S. If you’re reading this while walking slowly down the middle of the terminal, please move to the right. Immediately.

P.P.S. Help your fellow travelers.